Screw Jian Ghomeshi and the CBC: The REAL 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever

I’ve been wondering how many of you out there must feel completely unsatisfied after enduring recent summer events like the St. John’s George Street Festival, with its overpriced parade of musical has-beens, like the perpetually hokey Barenaked Ladies. For those of you who have been wasting time and money lately on such second- and third-rate entertainment, I suggest you check out this new list I’ve constructed, compiling the 100 greatest Canadian music albums of all time. It should give you some ideas how you can better spend your time and money.

Of course, if you’re thinking that this list comes as a reaction to the CBC’s recently compiled 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever, then you’re paying attention. Frankly, I thought that list to be hopelessly generic and lacking in historical knowledge. (Can you take such compilers seriously when they don’t include a single album by Rough Trade—the homegrown urban band of the late ’70s and early ’80s?) It reeks of Jian Ghomeshi and other arrogant people who don’t deserve the opportunity to perform analingus on my 18-year-old bumhole.

About the list. Needless to say, one won’t find any politically safe, culturally stagnant tripe like the Rheostatics or Barenaked Ladies on my list. Nor will one find those bands and artists who set up camp in California, New York or London decades ago, and have seldom even mentioned their home country in their song lyrics from that time forward. Many of these artists rarely return to Canada—unless, of course, it’s to collect some lifetime achievement award or make disparaging remarks about Jim Morrison and men in general for the benefit of smug Jian Ghomeshi and his unbearable talk show on the CBC. Hence my exclusion of Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Pat Travers, The Lucy Show, etc. (And who in their right mind considered The Band a Canadian act in the first place? I mean, we all know that ‘The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down’ is all about Canada, right?) I have also excluded ‘big names’ like Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, who seem to have made the CBC’s list (as well as others) based merely on sales figures. (Don’t the CBC realize that the majority of the Earth’s population live in blissful ignorance?) I have reached back far enough to include early Canadian country-folk artists like Stu Davis and Wilf ‘Montana Slim’ Carter, and have compensated for the elitist snobbery of the CBC by embracing Canada’s great libertarian populist, Stompin’ Tom Connors. I’ve even included at least one ‘gag’ entry as a sort of subtle comment on those teenyboppers who like to re-envision themselves as serious artistes when more alternative styles of music come into vogue. The result is a list that accommodates the obvious while avoiding the generic:

1. Glen Gould, (J. S. Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1955)
2. The Oscar Peterson Trio, at the Stratford Shakespearean Festival (1956)
3. Moe Koffman, Cool and Hot Sax (1957)
4. The Oscar Peterson Trio, On the Town with the Oscar Peterson Trio (1958)
5. Stu Davis, Rope Around the Sun (1959)
6. Wilf Carter, Reminiscin’ with Montana Slim (1962)
7. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Night Train (1962)
8. Two Tones (Gordon Lightfoot and David Whelan), Two Tones at the Village Corner (1962)
9. Ian & Sylvia, Four Strong Winds (1963)
10. Wilf Carter, Nuggets of the Golden West (1964)
11. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Canadiana Suite (1964)
12. Buffy Sainte Marie, It’s My Way! (1964)
13. Glen Gould, (Oskar Morawetz, István Anhalt, Jacques Hétu) Canadian Music in the 20th Century (1967)
14. Leonard Cohen, Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967)
15. Gordon Lightfoot, Did She Mention My Name? (1968)
16. The Collectors, The Collectors (1968)
17. 3’s a Crowd, Christopher’s Movie Matinee (1968)
18. Anne Murray, What About Me (1968)
19. The Kensington Market, Avenue Road (1968)
20. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Sings Bud the Spud and Other Favourites (1969)
21. The Guess Who, Canned Wheat (1969)
22. The Poppy Family featuring Susan Jacks, Which Way You Goin’ Billy? (1969)
23. It’s All Meat, It’s All Meat (1970)
24. Great Speckled Bird, Great Speckled Bird (1970)
25. Buffy Saint Marie, Illuminations (1971)
26. Offenbach, Offenbach Soap Opera (1971)
27. Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Not Fragile (1973)
28. April Wine, Stand Back (1975)
29. Rush, Fly By Night (1975)
30. Mahogany Rush, IV (1976)
31. Stan Rogers, Fogarty’s Cove (1976)
32. Harmonium, L’Heptade (1976)
33. Rush, A Farewell to Kings (1977)
34. Max Webster, High Class in Borrowed Shoes (1977)
35. Goddo, Who Cares (1977)
36. Ironhorse, Ironhorse (1978)
37. Triumph, Just A Game (1978)
38. Minglewood Band, Minglewood Band (1979)
39. Teenage Head, Teenage Head (1979)
40. The Diodes, Released (1979)
41. Bruce Cockburn, Dancing in the Dragon’s Jaws (1979)
42. Da Slyme, Da Slyme (1980)
43. D.O.A., Something Better Change (1980)
44. Dutch Mason Blues Band, Special Brew (1980)
45. Rough Trade, Avoid Freud (1980)
46. The Canadian Brass, The Village Band (1981)
47. Rough Trade, (for those who think young) (1981)
48. Saga, Worlds Apart (1981)
49. Rush, Moving Pictures (1981)
50. Streetheart, Streetheart (1982)
51. Rush, Signals (1982)
52. Men Without Hats, Rhythm of Youth (1982)
53. Glen Gould, (Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1982)
54. Figgy Duff, After the Tempest (1983)
55. David Wilcox, My Eyes Keep Me in Trouble (1983)
56. The Parachute Club, The Parachute Club (1983)
57. Anvil, Forged in Fire (1983)
58. 20th Century Rebels, Rebelution (1983)
59. Leonard Cohen, Various Positions (1984)
60. Bruce Cockburn, Stealing Fire (1984)
61. Asexuals, Be What You Want (1985)
62. Dayglo Abortions, Feed US.A Fetus America (1986)
63. 54-40, 54-40 (1986)
64. The Shuffle Demons, Streetniks (1986)
65. Chalk Circle, Mending Wall (1987)
66. Northern Pikes, Big Blue Sky (1987)
67. Voivod, Killing Technology (1987)
68. Leonard Cohen, I’m Your Man (1988)
69. Plasterscene Replicas, Glow (1988)
70. Sons of Freedom, Sons of Freedom (1988)
71. Skinny Puppy, VIVIsect VI (1988)
72. Art Bergmann, Crawl With Me (1988)
73. NoMeansNo, Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed (1988)
74. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Fiddle and Song (1988)
75. The Pursuit of Happiness, Love Junk (1988)
76. The Cowboy Junkies, The Trinity Session (1989)
77. Daniel Lanois, Acadie (1989)
78. K. D. Lang and The Reclines, Absolute Torch and Twang (1989)
79. Maestro Fresh-Wes, Symphony in Effect (1989)
80. The Grapes of Wrath, Now and Again (1989)
81. Skydiggers, Skydiggers (1990)
82. Alanis, Alanis (1991)
83. Dream Warriors, And Now the Legacy begins (1991)
84. Sloan, Smeared (1992)
85. The Tragically Hip, Fully Completely (1992)
86. Bachman, Any Road (1992)
87. Doughboys, Crush (1993)
88. Eric’s Trip, Love Tara (1993)
89. Vic Vogel, Piano Solo (1993)
90. Sloan, Twice Removed (1994)
91. Glueleg, Heroic Doses (1994)
92. Jale, Dreamcake (1994)
93. Lenny Breau / Dave Young, Live at Bourbon St. (1995)
94. The Hardship Post, Somebody Spoke (1995)
95. Eric’s Trip, Purple Blue (1996)
96. The Tragically Hip, Trouble at the Henhouse (1996)
97. The Monoxides, Galaxy of Stooges (1997)
98. Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing (1997)
99. Sloan, Never Hear the End of It (2006)
100. Danko Jones, Rock and Roll is Black and Blue (2012)

So there you have it. The real 100 greatest Canadian albums ever—as compiled by a young woman still in her teens. Please tell me what you think. I love it when people share their piss and vinegar, er, opinions with me—especially when they’re deliciously ill-informed.   Hmm... yummy.