Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Morgentaler enjoying Heaven, Mike Duffy awaiting Hell: How some public figures deserve to spend 'Eternity'



Hello again, fellow culture lovers; it’s been a while. Some of you are probably wondering where I’ve been these past few months. Well, I merely decided to take the so-called Spring semester off; so I’ve been spending the summer catching up on my reading, writing a few essays for the underground journals, and following the recent political scandals in Ottawa, Toronto and elsewhere in the country. Mike Duffy... Pamela Wallin... Rob Ford.... Hmmm... yummy.

Given the ‘occupational suicides’ and retirements of a number of these public figures, along with the recent death of a prominent doctor, I thought this might be an appropriate time to discuss their future spiritual status in eternity.

Now let me make it clear from the start that I am an agnostic. In other words, I don’t believe the existence of a god or an afterlife can be proven positively or negatively at this point in history. Such a task is a scientific dead-end (no pun intended). Having said that, it brings me great pleasure to play God and make educated guesses in regards to their post-life whereabouts. It sends a message to those amongst them who are actual believers. I think more people should make a public practice of this. After all, most of these politicians, doctors and other public figures love to play God with our lives now, don’t they....

Dr Morgentaler, Angel

Let’s start with legendary abortion provider, Dr Henry Morgentaler. For decades, he fought for Canadian females’ right to choose, and subsequently brought an end to Canada’s antiquated abortion laws. Sadly, Dr Morgentaler passed away just recently, aged 90. I guess one could make a fairly reasonable argument that his desire to abort (reportedly) tens of thousands of foetuses was merely a psychological reaction to his losing both parents and his sister to the Nazis in Poland. However, regardless of his modus operandi—psychological revenge, female rights, sheer profit—it’s safe to say that he provided more of a service than an obstruction, ultimately. So I think it’s safe to say that Dr Morgentaler is snuggled safely in Heaven—probably discussing the dilemma of omnipotence vs altruism with the supreme deity.

Mike Duffy toasting his newfound political opportunities and the end of his journalistic integrity

Speaking of the deceased, former journalist Mike Duffy recently completed his slow occupational suicide, which he began some four years ago when he accepted a senatorial appointment from the Harper Government. It appears Senator Duffy liked to claim expenses as a PEI resident while actually residing in Ontario. When his expense claims—along with those of three other senators—were being investigated by the Senate Committee on Internal Economy, he applied for a PEI health card and requested that the process be fast-tracked in time for the audit deadline! The news media now hot on his heels, Duffy was soon hiding from his old CTV buddies in places like hotel kitchens (where else?). In light of all the negative press, Duffy soon agreed to pay back the ill-gotten monies, but refused to accept responsibility for fraud on the grounds that the Senate rules and forms were not clear. In fact, he even expected the Prime Minister’s Office to pick up the tab! Soon the PMO’s Chief of Staff, Nigel Wright, was writing a personal cheque of $90,172 to cover ol’ Duff’s restitutionary damages. Needless to say, this sort of action was completely against the rules. Subsequently, Nigel Wright resigned as Chief of Staff, and is being investigated by the Office of the Conflict of Interest and Ethics Commissioner of Canada. As for dear ol’ Duffy, he resigned from the Senate Conservative caucus and is being investigated by the RCMP. (Maybe his son can help in the investigations; he’s a Mountie, apparently.)

So what does all this amount to? Fat Mikey is essentially dead and gone as a journalist (and politician) before he even gives up the ghost! No journalistic immortality or political legacy for Greedy-Guts Duffy! Yes, it’s truly astonishing what some ignorant ol’ duffers will sacrifice in order to save a few dollars. As a result, Hell’s barbecue pit is being prepared for Duffy. Ol’ Blubber-Guts won’t be chowing down this time around, however. This time, it’s his soul that’s the main course—for eternity.

The demon who is waiting to devour Mike Duffy

It may be a similar story for Pamela Wallin, another journalist who has committed occupational suicide after accepting a senatorial appointment and subsequently claiming dubious travel expenses. As Rex Murphy has pointed out, however, Ms Wallin did not go into denial-and-conspire mode á la Mr Duffy. Instead, she owned up, paid back the fraud sum, and subsequently resigned Senate Conservative caucus. Considering the fact that Ms Wallin built a sizable portion of her journalistic reputation on her time spent at the less Harper-friendly CBC, it is possible that her legacy might not suffer like that of CTV stooge Duffy. In other words, it looks like it’s purgatory for Wallin upon her death.

Is this the face of a woman we can trust?

The soul of Toronto mayor Rob Ford, on the other hand, is being protected from an eternity of hellfire, owing mainly to a combination of his low-mindedness and the benefit of the doubt. The Lord takes pity on the stupid and addicted, apparently. Actually, Ford appears to have good intentions in many regards, and has exhibited some of the better characteristics of old-fashioned, no-nonsense right-wing politicians. But he also has a reputation for drug and alcohol excess; so when word got out this spring that a video of him smoking crack cocaine from a glass pipe had surfaced, and that the Gawker website was attempting to raise the asking price of $200,000 in order to obtain it and air it publicly, most of us who gave a damn weren’t surprised at all.

Of course Ford immediately went into denial mode, and was soon dismissing the media (as usual) and ditching members of his staff left, right and centre. The police, it turns out, had been investigating the alleged video before the media had even broke the story. As part of a raid on two rival drug gangs, they also searched the home of Muhammad Khattak, one of the men standing with Ford affront an alleged crackhouse in a photo supplied to Gawker and the Toronto Star. The alleged crackhouse, the story goes, is the residence of a friend of Ford’s from their high-school days. As well, another man in the photo, one Anthony Smith, was killed in a Toronto street-shooting back in March. Lovely. On top of all this, the seller of the alleged video has fallen silent, and the money raised by Gawker has been subsequently donated to various charities.

Mayor Ford, hanging with his homies

Did Mayor Ford find enough money and brains to purchase the video himself? Did the video even exist in the first place? Questions, questions. Personally, I couldn’t care less how much crack Rob Ford smokes in his spare time, provided he doesn’t come across as a hypocrite by introducing policies to “crack down” on illicit drugs. So, for now at least, Mayor Porky is safe from Hell’s flames by virtue of his dumbness, police ineptness, and sheer luck.

Vic Toews: The face of pure evil

Finally, let us examine the case of former Justice and Public Safety minister, Vic Toews, who resigned from politics earlier this month to spend more time with his excuse for a family (pity his ‘family’, I’d say!). I think this sack of shit is an open and shut case, frankly. This is the ignorant, evil man who said that Canadians are either with the Conservative Party or with the child pornographers (What’s the difference?). This is the man who was in favour of internet surveillance, reflecting a view that all Canadians are terrorists and child abductors. This is the man who raised the age of consent from 14 to 16 while actually getting tougher on adolescent crime. (If you’re old enough to get charged with a crime, then you’re also old enough to vote, drink booze and screw.) As a result, Toews should be a particular target of hatred for teenagers like myself. It’s obvious this man deserves to spend eternity with a hot poker up his rectum. Toews is now 60 years of age, so Satan is no doubt preparing a deep hot pit for him, while the demons are drooling to gnaw his legs off. In the meantime, I hope young people across Canada terrorize him on a nightly basis, and his young son grows up to despise him and disown him. This creep deserves to never have another good night’s sleep, and then be sentenced to spend eternity screaming out in pain from the very bowels of Hell. Good riddance to evil swine!

The demon who awaits Vic Toewss passing...

Anyway, that’s my take on such eternal matters and how they reflect on Canadian public figures. I hope everyone’s enjoying the summer—everyone who deserves to be, at least. Now, back to Sartre’s Being and Nothingness....


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