Clearing The Air with Smokescreens: My Thoughts on the Conservatives’ Condemnation of Justin Trudeau’s Pot Admission

“Adore me, fellow Canadians! I am your Saviour, the Son of Pierre, and now devoted beatnik pot smoker!”
(Image stolen from The Star)

Now let me make it clear from the start: I am no major fan of Justin Trudeau. In fact, I consider him to be rather goofy and Americanized in all the wrong ways. Like his father before him, he tends to ride on a crest of charisma rather than an agenda of well-defined policies. (Of course, this can be said of the federal Liberals in general in recent decades.) True, either Trudeau would be slightly less embarrassing to have in office than a Stephen Harper or a Kim Campbell; but Dear saintly Justin has never struck me as anyone ideologically sound or sociopolitically astute.

Having said that, I consider his recent admission of illicit marijuana use to be as refreshingly bold and honest as what it is pragmatically foolish. So when the likes of Peter MacKay says that Trudeau is setting “a poor example for Canadians, particularly young ones”, I take it as an indirect insult. Here’s the comment I left in the wake of the story at CBC.ca:

“Peter McKay says that Justin Trudeau is setting a bad example for the youth of this country. That’s really rich coming from the new justice minister! Mr McKay’s party hasn’t been setting any sort of example at all for us young people of Canada—the Conservatives have been too busy attempting to jail and subjugate us with hideous new sex, drug, and internet downloading legislation. On top of that, we still can’t vote for the oppressive jerks who write the laws until we're 18!

“I know my history: Never has there been a government in Canada which has displayed such animosity towards the nation’s youth. I’ve turned 18 within the last year, and I can’t wait for the next federal election so I can help vote such bigoted scum out of office. I’m not a cannabis user, nor am I a particularly big fan of the Liberal Party, but give me Mr Trudeau any day over the anachronistic old duffers that currently rule over us.”

Wow!  Isn't he ‘grunge’!

Obviously, judging from the old photo that Rick Mercer posted to Twitter, Mr MacKay has not always been an exemplary pillar of sobriety and restraint for us youth of the nation. Of course, the argument has also been made—by former Reform/Alliance MP Stockwell Day, and others who regret their prolonged virginity and think the world is 15,000 years old—that Mr MacKay was doing nothing illegal by ‘bonging’ booze. That’s very true; but the same can be said of 18-year-old porn stars who ejaculate and urinate over each other’s mouth and face. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hiding hypocrisy behind a wall of convenient legalities.

Occasionally, a story of Conservative indiscretion will break like a bubble to the surface. Accounts of Rahim Jaffer and his cocaine and drunk-driving charges, Maxime Bernier’s open briefcase and dubious biker-girlfriend, and—in the halcyon days of Reform/Alliance goodness—Jack Ramsay’s sexual assault of a Cree teen while serving as an RCMP officer in the late ’60s should immediately come to mind. A veneer of white-picket fences, ankle-length skirts and Sunday roast-beef dinners is maintained, nevertheless. The transgressors are passed off as regrettable yet inexplicable anomalies—like flash floods and unruly sasquatches. Still, when it comes to matters of drugs, sex and corruption, one cannot help but surmise that there’s so much more going on behind the scenes, behind closed doors. Methinks the horny, drunken old white man doth protest too much.

So how do we expose these perceived/closet perpetrators? What I propose we do is offer monetary rewards in exchange for any tip that leads to a criminal investigation of a Conservative MP or any of their associates, past or present. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If Harper Conservatives like former MP Vic Toews can envision instigating quasi witch hunts with his proposed internet surveillance scheme, then we can do the same. I wonder if we could launch such a project through Kickstarter or a similar website. The desire to see Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack brought in close to two-hundred grand at Gawker, keep in mind. We could even raise money by selling gag t-shirts emblazoned with, “I’m a Proud Canadian—of course I’m with the Child Pornographers!”

To quote Public Enemy, let’s get it on.

Keep on toking, Mr Trudeau. Keep on dreaming about your 11-year-old daughters and granddaughters naked on a desert island, Harper Conservatives.  

To Emancipate or Eradicate: John Baird vs REAL Women of Canada

Don’t you just love the way the right-wing fundamentalist hypocrites are starting to shoot each other in the foot! Yes, the rattlesnakes are committing suicide again!

The latest embarrassment to the Christian Right comes in the form of comments made by members of “pro-family” lobby group REAL Women of Canada. It appears the Harper Conservatives are simply no longer conservative enough to please such fundamentalist Christian women who put them in power in the first place [read the CBC’s coverage of the story here]. In a recent press release REAL Women National Vice-President Gwendolyn Landolt stated:

“Just who does John Baird think he is, using taxpayers’ money to promote his own personal agenda and endeavouring to set standards of the laws of foreign countries? He argues that homosexual rights are a ‘Canadian value’, but this applies only to himself and his fellow activists and the left-wing elitists. These are not conservative values and that of grass roots Canadians, who after all, pay the bulk of the taxes.” [Read the entire rubbish rant right here]

Ms ’dolt’s comment comes in the wake of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird’s condemnation of recently enacted anti-homosexual laws in countries such as Russia and Uganda.

Apparently, it’s okay for these nosey ol’ bigots out in Alberta to criticize countries based on legalized prostitution, abortion, or a ‘low’ age of consent, but when one of their favourite right-wing politicians speaks out against gay-based persecution in Russia, Uganda, etc, they go ballistic, saying he’s interfering in the policies of a sovereign country. Find out their addresses, and then send these creepy bigots loads of feces and litres of urine! (Apparently, some good citizens of Canada has already made a practice of doing this! All I can say is, Bravo! It is highly commendable of you.)

If one would like to discover more about the antiquated policies of these national embarrassments, then please visit their official website.  You’ve been warned....

The only policy of these meddling old bats that comes close to being logical is their stand against no-fault divorce, Sadly, they castigate Canada’s commie divorce laws for all the wrong reasons and from a male perspective. (These REAL women often strike me as being peculiarly ‘closet transsexual’ in their outlook.) Personally, if some lazy, penniless bastard ever tried to take fifty percent of any sizable nest egg that I may have hard-earned or rightly inherited, he’d soon be pushing up nettles in a lovely gravel-pit graveyard.  As long as there is no-fault divorce, justifiable homicide will remain a reality.  Support your local hit-man.  

It is also worth noting that REAL Women of Canada have a history of alleged associations with white supremacist groups. According to the Anti-Racist Canada blog, one of the lobby group’s former directors, Rita Ann Hartmann, led the Ottawa-based Northern Foundation. Also, Hartmann’s husband was a leader of the Ku Klux Klan and Western Guard; the couple’s sons were members of the neo-Nazi Heritage Front. One can read about this in more detail at the aforementioned blog.

As for John Baird, I guess it’s also worth mentioning in this context that rumours have been circulating for some time now that the Conservative minister is secretly gay himself. Hmm... I smell scandal.  Yummy.

Screw Jian Ghomeshi and the CBC: The REAL 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever

I’ve been wondering how many of you out there must feel completely unsatisfied after enduring recent summer events like the St. John’s George Street Festival, with its overpriced parade of musical has-beens, like the perpetually hokey Barenaked Ladies. For those of you who have been wasting time and money lately on such second- and third-rate entertainment, I suggest you check out this new list I’ve constructed, compiling the 100 greatest Canadian music albums of all time. It should give you some ideas how you can better spend your time and money.

Of course, if you’re thinking that this list comes as a reaction to the CBC’s recently compiled 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever, then you’re paying attention. Frankly, I thought that list to be hopelessly generic and lacking in historical knowledge. (Can you take such compilers seriously when they don’t include a single album by Rough Trade—the homegrown urban band of the late ’70s and early ’80s?) It reeks of Jian Ghomeshi and other arrogant people who don’t deserve the opportunity to perform analingus on my 18-year-old bumhole.

About the list. Needless to say, one won’t find any politically safe, culturally stagnant tripe like the Rheostatics or Barenaked Ladies on my list. Nor will one find those bands and artists who set up camp in California, New York or London decades ago, and have seldom even mentioned their home country in their song lyrics from that time forward. Many of these artists rarely return to Canada—unless, of course, it’s to collect some lifetime achievement award or make disparaging remarks about Jim Morrison and men in general for the benefit of smug Jian Ghomeshi and his unbearable talk show on the CBC. Hence my exclusion of Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Pat Travers, The Lucy Show, etc. (And who in their right mind considered The Band a Canadian act in the first place? I mean, we all know that ‘The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down’ is all about Canada, right?) I have also excluded ‘big names’ like Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, who seem to have made the CBC’s list (as well as others) based merely on sales figures. (Don’t the CBC realize that the majority of the Earth’s population live in blissful ignorance?) I have reached back far enough to include early Canadian country-folk artists like Stu Davis and Wilf ‘Montana Slim’ Carter, and have compensated for the elitist snobbery of the CBC by embracing Canada’s great libertarian populist, Stompin’ Tom Connors. I’ve even included at least one ‘gag’ entry as a sort of subtle comment on those teenyboppers who like to re-envision themselves as serious artistes when more alternative styles of music come into vogue. The result is a list that accommodates the obvious while avoiding the generic:

1. Glen Gould, (J. S. Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1955)
2. The Oscar Peterson Trio, at the Stratford Shakespearean Festival (1956)
3. Moe Koffman, Cool and Hot Sax (1957)
4. The Oscar Peterson Trio, On the Town with the Oscar Peterson Trio (1958)
5. Stu Davis, Rope Around the Sun (1959)
6. Wilf Carter, Reminiscin’ with Montana Slim (1962)
7. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Night Train (1962)
8. Two Tones (Gordon Lightfoot and David Whelan), Two Tones at the Village Corner (1962)
9. Ian & Sylvia, Four Strong Winds (1963)
10. Wilf Carter, Nuggets of the Golden West (1964)
11. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Canadiana Suite (1964)
12. Buffy Sainte Marie, It’s My Way! (1964)
13. Glen Gould, (Oskar Morawetz, István Anhalt, Jacques Hétu) Canadian Music in the 20th Century (1967)
14. Leonard Cohen, Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967)
15. Gordon Lightfoot, Did She Mention My Name? (1968)
16. The Collectors, The Collectors (1968)
17. 3’s a Crowd, Christopher’s Movie Matinee (1968)
18. Anne Murray, What About Me (1968)
19. The Kensington Market, Avenue Road (1968)
20. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Sings Bud the Spud and Other Favourites (1969)
21. The Guess Who, Canned Wheat (1969)
22. The Poppy Family featuring Susan Jacks, Which Way You Goin’ Billy? (1969)
23. It’s All Meat, It’s All Meat (1970)
24. Great Speckled Bird, Great Speckled Bird (1970)
25. Buffy Saint Marie, Illuminations (1971)
26. Offenbach, Offenbach Soap Opera (1971)
27. Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Not Fragile (1973)
28. April Wine, Stand Back (1975)
29. Rush, Fly By Night (1975)
30. Mahogany Rush, IV (1976)
31. Stan Rogers, Fogarty’s Cove (1976)
32. Harmonium, L’Heptade (1976)
33. Rush, A Farewell to Kings (1977)
34. Max Webster, High Class in Borrowed Shoes (1977)
35. Goddo, Who Cares (1977)
36. Ironhorse, Ironhorse (1978)
37. Triumph, Just A Game (1978)
38. Minglewood Band, Minglewood Band (1979)
39. Teenage Head, Teenage Head (1979)
40. The Diodes, Released (1979)
41. Bruce Cockburn, Dancing in the Dragon’s Jaws (1979)
42. Da Slyme, Da Slyme (1980)
43. D.O.A., Something Better Change (1980)
44. Dutch Mason Blues Band, Special Brew (1980)
45. Rough Trade, Avoid Freud (1980)
46. The Canadian Brass, The Village Band (1981)
47. Rough Trade, (for those who think young) (1981)
48. Saga, Worlds Apart (1981)
49. Rush, Moving Pictures (1981)
50. Streetheart, Streetheart (1982)
51. Rush, Signals (1982)
52. Men Without Hats, Rhythm of Youth (1982)
53. Glen Gould, (Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1982)
54. Figgy Duff, After the Tempest (1983)
55. David Wilcox, My Eyes Keep Me in Trouble (1983)
56. The Parachute Club, The Parachute Club (1983)
57. Anvil, Forged in Fire (1983)
58. 20th Century Rebels, Rebelution (1983)
59. Leonard Cohen, Various Positions (1984)
60. Bruce Cockburn, Stealing Fire (1984)
61. Asexuals, Be What You Want (1985)
62. Dayglo Abortions, Feed US.A Fetus America (1986)
63. 54-40, 54-40 (1986)
64. The Shuffle Demons, Streetniks (1986)
65. Chalk Circle, Mending Wall (1987)
66. Northern Pikes, Big Blue Sky (1987)
67. Voivod, Killing Technology (1987)
68. Leonard Cohen, I’m Your Man (1988)
69. Plasterscene Replicas, Glow (1988)
70. Sons of Freedom, Sons of Freedom (1988)
71. Skinny Puppy, VIVIsect VI (1988)
72. Art Bergmann, Crawl With Me (1988)
73. NoMeansNo, Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed (1988)
74. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Fiddle and Song (1988)
75. The Pursuit of Happiness, Love Junk (1988)
76. The Cowboy Junkies, The Trinity Session (1989)
77. Daniel Lanois, Acadie (1989)
78. K. D. Lang and The Reclines, Absolute Torch and Twang (1989)
79. Maestro Fresh-Wes, Symphony in Effect (1989)
80. The Grapes of Wrath, Now and Again (1989)
81. Skydiggers, Skydiggers (1990)
82. Alanis, Alanis (1991)
83. Dream Warriors, And Now the Legacy begins (1991)
84. Sloan, Smeared (1992)
85. The Tragically Hip, Fully Completely (1992)
86. Bachman, Any Road (1992)
87. Doughboys, Crush (1993)
88. Eric’s Trip, Love Tara (1993)
89. Vic Vogel, Piano Solo (1993)
90. Sloan, Twice Removed (1994)
91. Glueleg, Heroic Doses (1994)
92. Jale, Dreamcake (1994)
93. Lenny Breau / Dave Young, Live at Bourbon St. (1995)
94. The Hardship Post, Somebody Spoke (1995)
95. Eric’s Trip, Purple Blue (1996)
96. The Tragically Hip, Trouble at the Henhouse (1996)
97. The Monoxides, Galaxy of Stooges (1997)
98. Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing (1997)
99. Sloan, Never Hear the End of It (2006)
100. Danko Jones, Rock and Roll is Black and Blue (2012)

So there you have it. The real 100 greatest Canadian albums ever—as compiled by a young woman still in her teens. Please tell me what you think. I love it when people share their piss and vinegar, er, opinions with me—especially when they’re deliciously ill-informed.   Hmm... yummy.

Morgentaler enjoying Heaven, Mike Duffy awaiting Hell: How some public figures deserve to spend 'Eternity'

Hello again, fellow culture lovers; it’s been a while. Some of you are probably wondering where I’ve been these past few months. Well, I merely decided to take the so-called Spring semester off; so I’ve been spending the summer catching up on my reading, writing a few essays for the underground journals, and following the recent political scandals in Ottawa, Toronto and elsewhere in the country. Mike Duffy... Pamela Wallin... Rob Ford.... Hmmm... yummy.

Given the ‘occupational suicides’ and retirements of a number of these public figures, along with the recent death of a prominent doctor, I thought this might be an appropriate time to discuss their future spiritual status in eternity.

Now let me make it clear from the start that I am an agnostic. In other words, I don’t believe the existence of a god or an afterlife can be proven positively or negatively at this point in history. Such a task is a scientific dead-end (no pun intended). Having said that, it brings me great pleasure to play God and make educated guesses in regards to their post-life whereabouts. It sends a message to those amongst them who are actual believers. I think more people should make a public practice of this. After all, most of these politicians, doctors and other public figures love to play God with our lives now, don’t they....

Dr Morgentaler, Angel

Let’s start with legendary abortion provider, Dr Henry Morgentaler. For decades, he fought for Canadian females’ right to choose, and subsequently brought an end to Canada’s antiquated abortion laws. Sadly, Dr Morgentaler passed away just recently, aged 90. I guess one could make a fairly reasonable argument that his desire to abort (reportedly) tens of thousands of foetuses was merely a psychological reaction to his losing both parents and his sister to the Nazis in Poland. However, regardless of his modus operandi—psychological revenge, female rights, sheer profit—it’s safe to say that he provided more of a service than an obstruction, ultimately. So I think it’s safe to say that Dr Morgentaler is snuggled safely in Heaven—probably discussing the dilemma of omnipotence vs altruism with the supreme deity.

Mike Duffy toasting his newfound political opportunities and the end of his journalistic integrity

Speaking of the deceased, former journalist Mike Duffy recently completed his slow occupational suicide, which he began some four years ago when he accepted a senatorial appointment from the Harper Government. It appears Senator Duffy liked to claim expenses as a PEI resident while actually residing in Ontario. When his expense claims—along with those of three other senators—were being investigated by the Senate Committee on Internal Economy, he applied for a PEI health card and requested that the process be fast-tracked in time for the audit deadline! The news media now hot on his heels, Duffy was soon hiding from his old CTV buddies in places like hotel kitchens (where else?). In light of all the negative press, Duffy soon agreed to pay back the ill-gotten monies, but refused to accept responsibility for fraud on the grounds that the Senate rules and forms were not clear. In fact, he even expected the Prime Minister’s Office to pick up the tab! Soon the PMO’s Chief of Staff, Nigel Wright, was writing a personal cheque of $90,172 to cover ol’ Duff’s restitutionary damages. Needless to say, this sort of action was completely against the rules. Subsequently, Nigel Wright resigned as Chief of Staff, and is being investigated by the Office of the Conflict of Interest and Ethics Commissioner of Canada. As for dear ol’ Duffy, he resigned from the Senate Conservative caucus and is being investigated by the RCMP. (Maybe his son can help in the investigations; he’s a Mountie, apparently.)

So what does all this amount to? Fat Mikey is essentially dead and gone as a journalist (and politician) before he even gives up the ghost! No journalistic immortality or political legacy for Greedy-Guts Duffy! Yes, it’s truly astonishing what some ignorant ol’ duffers will sacrifice in order to save a few dollars. As a result, Hell’s barbecue pit is being prepared for Duffy. Ol’ Blubber-Guts won’t be chowing down this time around, however. This time, it’s his soul that’s the main course—for eternity.

The demon who is waiting to devour Mike Duffy

It may be a similar story for Pamela Wallin, another journalist who has committed occupational suicide after accepting a senatorial appointment and subsequently claiming dubious travel expenses. As Rex Murphy has pointed out, however, Ms Wallin did not go into denial-and-conspire mode á la Mr Duffy. Instead, she owned up, paid back the fraud sum, and subsequently resigned Senate Conservative caucus. Considering the fact that Ms Wallin built a sizable portion of her journalistic reputation on her time spent at the less Harper-friendly CBC, it is possible that her legacy might not suffer like that of CTV stooge Duffy. In other words, it looks like it’s purgatory for Wallin upon her death.

Is this the face of a woman we can trust?

The soul of Toronto mayor Rob Ford, on the other hand, is being protected from an eternity of hellfire, owing mainly to a combination of his low-mindedness and the benefit of the doubt. The Lord takes pity on the stupid and addicted, apparently. Actually, Ford appears to have good intentions in many regards, and has exhibited some of the better characteristics of old-fashioned, no-nonsense right-wing politicians. But he also has a reputation for drug and alcohol excess; so when word got out this spring that a video of him smoking crack cocaine from a glass pipe had surfaced, and that the Gawker website was attempting to raise the asking price of $200,000 in order to obtain it and air it publicly, most of us who gave a damn weren’t surprised at all.

Of course Ford immediately went into denial mode, and was soon dismissing the media (as usual) and ditching members of his staff left, right and centre. The police, it turns out, had been investigating the alleged video before the media had even broke the story. As part of a raid on two rival drug gangs, they also searched the home of Muhammad Khattak, one of the men standing with Ford affront an alleged crackhouse in a photo supplied to Gawker and the Toronto Star. The alleged crackhouse, the story goes, is the residence of a friend of Ford’s from their high-school days. As well, another man in the photo, one Anthony Smith, was killed in a Toronto street-shooting back in March. Lovely. On top of all this, the seller of the alleged video has fallen silent, and the money raised by Gawker has been subsequently donated to various charities.

Mayor Ford, hanging with his homies

Did Mayor Ford find enough money and brains to purchase the video himself? Did the video even exist in the first place? Questions, questions. Personally, I couldn’t care less how much crack Rob Ford smokes in his spare time, provided he doesn’t come across as a hypocrite by introducing policies to “crack down” on illicit drugs. So, for now at least, Mayor Porky is safe from Hell’s flames by virtue of his dumbness, police ineptness, and sheer luck.

Vic Toews: The face of pure evil

Finally, let us examine the case of former Justice and Public Safety minister, Vic Toews, who resigned from politics earlier this month to spend more time with his excuse for a family (pity his ‘family’, I’d say!). I think this sack of shit is an open and shut case, frankly. This is the ignorant, evil man who said that Canadians are either with the Conservative Party or with the child pornographers (What’s the difference?). This is the man who was in favour of internet surveillance, reflecting a view that all Canadians are terrorists and child abductors. This is the man who raised the age of consent from 14 to 16 while actually getting tougher on adolescent crime. (If you’re old enough to get charged with a crime, then you’re also old enough to vote, drink booze and screw.) As a result, Toews should be a particular target of hatred for teenagers like myself. It’s obvious this man deserves to spend eternity with a hot poker up his rectum. Toews is now 60 years of age, so Satan is no doubt preparing a deep hot pit for him, while the demons are drooling to gnaw his legs off. In the meantime, I hope young people across Canada terrorize him on a nightly basis, and his young son grows up to despise him and disown him. This creep deserves to never have another good night’s sleep, and then be sentenced to spend eternity screaming out in pain from the very bowels of Hell. Good riddance to evil swine!

The demon who awaits Vic Toews’s passing...

Anyway, that’s my take on such eternal matters and how they reflect on Canadian public figures. I hope everyone’s enjoying the summer—everyone who deserves to be, at least. Now, back to Sartre’s Being and Nothingness....

Suspending Students For Not Shooting Up?!! -- I Smell Opportunities...

Well, if one doesn’t like attending school and wouldn’t mind contracting a few diseases here and there, then now’s the time to be living in Ottawa.

It appears Ottawa Public Health have gone and suspended over 900 students for nearly three weeks because they have not received their proper immunization shots—or at least have nothing in the OPH’s files to show for it. A further 800 students will be suspended in the days ahead if their immunization records are not updated to suit the bureaucrats’ despotic demands.

Now, before I go any further, I should point out that this whole story begs a question from the get-go: Aren’t such adolescent immunizations carried out within the direct context of the public school system any longer—like they were in our parents’ and grandparents’ day? If not, then why not? If so, then how did over 1,700 students fall through the cracks?

True, no one in their right mind wants a situation where every second person is coming down with measles or whooping cough. Still, these measures strike me as being rather drastic and more than a little non-constructive—at least on an academic level.

I’ve given it a little thought, however, and these drastic measures do have their advantages for students. Specifically, such bureaucracy allows the students a chance to legally escape those concentration camps called “schools”—the institutions to which they’ve been sent until the dolts in government and organized religion figure they’re old enough to vote, smoke, drink and shag.

There’s something in this for everybody: the morons can happily avoid learning how to spell their own names, and can get back to their gang wars and drive-by shootings; the “achievers” and popularity contest winners can gain more exposure by squawking about their unfair predicament on national television; and the genuinely intelligent youth (like Yours Truly) can take a break from the mandatory propaganda and downright bullshit the bureaucrats call a “curriculum”—our kind is largely self-educated anyway.

There’s a potentially lucrative element to be found in this story, too: drastic measures like these may allow students and their greedy, neglectful parents a perfect opportunity to sue Ottawa Public Health on grounds of unconscionable treatment! Such lawsuits, in fact, would amount to sheer poetic justice. Think about it. The crummy modern schools—which won’t allow running, jumping or even touching for fear of inciting an injury claim—would be indirectly involved in that which the bureaucrats fear most: being held financially liable for their own short-sightedness. Yummy.

Yes, it appears that even enforcing mass inoculation can prove injurious—not to the students, but to the state pocketbook.   

Mixed Feelings: Should us Serious Music Fans bother Shopping at Fred’s and those other Traitorous ‘Record’ Shops?

I’m a major fan of intelligent, well-intentioned good music; whether it be classical, jazz, blues, rock or the various flavours of indigenous ‘world music’. Good music both informs and challenges me, occasionally inspiring my own creativity. Needless to say, the world of Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift is both foreign and anathema to me—completely beneath my ability to comprehend. I like music that aims to appeal on a level above the lowest common denominator. And, as the few people who truly know me would tell you, there’s only one real way for me to listen to music: on vinyl LP.

Maybe it was growing up listening to my parents’ and grandparents’ LPs. Maybe it was my reacting to the overrated CD and the virtually invisible MP3. Maybe it was just my good sense being put to use. Whatever the case, the LP record is my audio medium of choice. It definitely has both superior sound and superior packaging. Furthermore, regardless of the medium, people still think in terms of LPs, making references to a group's or artist’s new album.

Taking this into consideration, I certainly have mixed feelings about the promotional stance taken by local record store Fred’s in recent months.

For those of you who don’t know—or, like myself, are too young to remember—there was a time in the 1970s and ’80s when Fred’s was known as Fred’s Records. Then, sometime in the late ’80s or thereabouts, the ‘Records’ mysteriously fell off the shop’s name. By this time, cassettes had become the predominant medium among car owners and morons, and compact discs were being touted as the greatest thing since the beltless sanitary napkin. Fred’s (Records) acquiesced to such yuppie trends, and were soon shoving the overpriced and overhyped CDs down people’s throats like polio vaccine. My father recalls looking for the latest Sonic Youth LP, Goo, in the summer of 1990, and being told that it wasn’t available on vinyl. This was pure expediency, if not a base lie, for the vinyl version was easily obtainable as an American or European import. (There’s a copy staring at me from my LP shelf right this minute.)

This sort of practice was by no means confined to Fred’s. Record stores right across Canada and other countries did their damnedest to promote the inferior yet compact disc over the superior yet bulky LP. The results were twofold: the LP was rendered extinct in most ‘mainstream’ Canadian record stores by the early 1990s, and the record stores themselves were bankrupt and extinct by the turn of the century. It appears those marketing ‘geniuses’ at HMV, Sam The Record Man, A & A, etc did not foresee the rise of the internet and MP3 file-sharing. Ha!

Well, lo and behold, suddenly Fred’s is officially Fred’s Records again, complete with a new website, promotional appearances on local media, and various other celebratory measures recognizing their recent 40th Anniversary (1972—2012). It seems they’ve decided that vinyl is the way of the future. This easy decision, of course, has been informed by the fact that they are the only real independent music shop left in the province, and one of only two or three left in Atlantic Canada overall. In other words, they’re in a position to do whatever the hell they want, and there’s only one logical thing left to do: party like it’s 1958. Their website goes so far as to plead with us: “[...] just because you don’t have a record player yet doesn’t mean you won’t soon – so why not start buying your favourite new releases on vinyl now and start building that collection so that when you do own a turntable you’ve got lots of great music already.” Really.

So now I’m thinking, why should any of us serious music fans—particularly those in our parents’ gen-X age category—suddenly return to the few remaining record shops, patronizing them with our custom? Most of us serious enough to still want LPs moved our custom to (often cheaper) American and European online record stores once the internet took off in popularity in the intervening years. I must admit, I’ve dropped by Fred’s and bought releases by Sonic Youth and its individual members in recent months (like father, like daughter, I guess). In fact, I was actually lurking among the bins that evening in late August of 2011 when the staff announced that they had just hooked up the in-store turntable for the first time since 1987, and began blasting old Chicago blues records. Still, I did not on those few occasions feel obligated to step inside and actually purchase something. I don’t owe these bastards anything. Neither do you.

So what do you good readers out there think? Should we refrain from frequenting these businesses that pulled the vinyl rug out from under our feet over two decades ago? Or do we forgive these rotten traitors, and take advantage of all the groovy platters now available (or reavailable) on twelve-inch vinyl at such locations? I’m still debating this one. I like my music and especially on vinyl, but it would not exactly play on my conscience if I never set foot in that Duckworth St building again.

In the meantime, while you think about this, here’s a link to Fred’s new website: http://www.fredsrecords.com/. Decide for yourself whether or not the return of the word ‘Records’ is a blasphemous insult.

Of Child Porn and Faked Scorn: When Bigoted Old Fools Do Battle

Oh, this is priceless. I swear, one cannot make this stuff up.

It appears that Tom Flanagan, that stalwart spokesman of right-wing Canadian politics, has shown an uncharacteristically liberal side that’s proving too much for even his oldest and dearest of cronies in the Conservative Party. Mr Flanagan, who joined the Reform Party in 1990 and has helped put Stephen Harper in office repeatedly since then, is renowned for his provocative statements and controversial approach to social issues. For example, in his role as political commentator for the CBC, he once stated that the US should track down and assassinate WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. But now Mr Flanagan has outdone himself, having stated at a recent conference in the Alberta town of Lethbridge—Canada’s capital of Christian conservatism, sexual hypocrisy and outright ignorance—that the law has no business putting people in jail for their taste in pictures. In other words, simply observing child pornography, says Mr Flanagan, is a private act which does no sexual or psychological harm to a particular child. One can only imagine what a ruckus this created with some of those close-minded Christian bigots that this part of the country is known for! Think about it, people: Lethbridge—the home of the Miracle Channel!

Now, I think I can appreciate the point Mr Flanagan was making—or attempting to make, given his audience and the editorial antics of Canada’s self-righteous mainstream media. Do we put people in prison for viewing animal cruelty videos (a fair-sized business in the US)? No. Do we charge them with staring at photos portraying bestiality? No. Do we fine them for cheering on illicitly organized ‘underground’ fights? No. Then why are we hypocritically stigmatizing welcomed exposure to child pornography, Mr Flanagan seems to be asking. There can be no question about it, we have reached a point in western culture where possession of a few depictions of illegal or dubious sexual acts is construed as more heinous than Nazi genocide and a dozen school shootings combined. We seem to have lost focus—concentrating more on the illicit creations than those who created them and the physical and psychological harm endured by any children directly involved. (Of course, the real underlying issue here is incest. I would estimate that at least ninety percent of all child pornography today is created by parents, stepparents or older siblings. One never hears those self-righteous socially conservative bastards mention incest, now, does one. I would not be surprised to learn that some of the most outspoken Conservative politicians are up to their balls in their young daughters on a nightly basis.) Furthermore, many pedophiles, rapists, sadists, etc note the positive role that illegal pornography plays in satisfying their urges and preventing them from committing such acts themselves. It’s a complex issue, and, as one may have noticed, the contemporary western media despise complexities.

As one can imagine, right-wing social conservatives immediately went into damage-control mode. Alberta’s Whiterose Party quickly dumped Mr Flanagan, their campaign manager during the 2012 election. “He will have no role—formal or informal—with our organization going forward,” stated their leader and drama queen Danielle Smith. Stephen Harper’s spokesman, Andrew McDougall, called such comments “repugnant, ignorant and appalling”. “Disgusting,” cried several fellow Conservative MPs. Effectively, Mr Flanagan has been thrown to the wolves, it seems.

Alberta premier Allison Redford said the incident turned her stomach. Yeah, I bet. Why don’t you try and be a little more sensational, Miss Allie.

Interim Liberal leader and former NDP premier Bob Rae was quick to score political points by making dog meat of Mr Flanagan—and a hypocrite of himself. Suddenly, it seems, Mr Free Speech & Civil Liberties isn’t so free and liberal. (Then again, I guess I shouldn’t expect much more from this stuffed suit—ideological soundness is not exactly Mr Rae’s strong point. Frankly, I don’t think this man has a loyal bone in his body. Of his mental capacity, I won’t even speak.)

It was a similar story at the CBC on Thursday, where Mr Flanagan was promptly relieved of his job as Power & Politics commentator. “While we support and encourage free speech across the country and a diverse range of voices,” stated CBC News general manager Jennifer McGuire, “we believe Mr Flanagan’s comments to have crossed the line and impacted his credibility as a commentator for us.” Yessiree, that sounds like real devotion to free speech, Jenny Scapegoat. It appears the spineless and pissant CBC is scared shitless of Mr Harper and his limitless power over their time-honoured corporation.

Meanwhile, the University of Calgary, where Mr Flanagan has taught political science since 1968, has distanced themselves from him. They announced last Thursday that the professor has been on a “research and scholarship leave” since January, and reminded the public of his impending retirement in June. Wow. And I thought universities were supposed to be bastions of open-mindedness and free thinking. Then again, this is Calgary we’re talking about.

If there was one thing that warmed my heart about this whole incident, then it was the fact that it offended Ms Rosalind Prober, the leader of those self-righteous and bigoted busybodies, Beyond Borders. Beyond Borders, if anyone needs informing, is a sleazy, hypocritical Canada-based lobby group. It specializes in chastising Asian countries who allow sexual tourists from our neck of the woods to take advantage of their little boys and girls and get away with it. The term ‘ethnocentric’ immediately comes to mind. I ask Ms Prober and her comrades in creepiness: How would you like people from Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, etc telling your government how to run its country? It also campaigns for raising the legal age for sexual relations. Apparently, it’s okay in this country to charge people as young as twelve with crimes, but if those same young people make love with an older partner, they’re suddenly seen as having the minds of mentally challenged infants. Heaven help the lobbyist, social worker, teacher or even parent who would have come between me and an older lover when I was in my early to mid teens! Ms Prober is a reverse-ageist, ignorant hypocrite and bigoted old bitch. In a perfect world, every young person in Canada would be defecating on her doorstep.

So... Let us summarize... Tom Flanagan, that arch conservative who helped put Stephen Harper in the PM’s office, suddenly thinks child porn might not be so bad after all. In turn, his old political friends and fellow right-wingers immediately begin to play St Peter and Judas to his Jesus, condemning his comments as “disgusting”. Not unexpectedly, idiotic Opposition leader Bob Rae makes a hypocrite of himself by taking sides with his Conservative political foes. Meanwhile, the CBC and the University of Calgary demonstrate their loyalty to dogmas and fear of Harper’s Ottawa, and phoney lobbyist Roz Prober makes her usual ass of herself.

Yes, it appears that the rattlesnakes of Canadian sexual politics are beginning to commit suicide and bite one another. Let us hope they succumb to their wounds and are slowly eaten by vultures and other carrion feeders. What a spectacle that would be. Hmmm... Yummy!