Hello again, fellow
culture lovers; it’s been a while. Some of you are probably
wondering where I’ve been these past few months. Well, I merely
decided to take the so-called Spring semester off; so I’ve been
spending the summer catching up on my reading, writing a few essays
for the underground journals, and following the recent political
scandals in Ottawa, Toronto and elsewhere in the country. Mike
Duffy... Pamela Wallin... Rob Ford.... Hmmm... yummy.
Given the ‘occupational
suicides’ and retirements of a number of these public figures,
along with the recent death of a prominent doctor, I thought this
might be an appropriate time to discuss their future spiritual status
in eternity.
Now let me make it clear
from the start that I am an agnostic. In other words, I don’t
believe the existence of a god or an afterlife can be proven
positively or negatively at this point in history. Such a task is a
scientific dead-end (no pun intended). Having said that, it brings
me great pleasure to play God and make educated guesses in regards to
their post-life whereabouts. It sends a message to those amongst
them who are actual believers. I think more people should make a
public practice of this. After all, most of these politicians,
doctors and other public figures love to play God with our lives now,
don’t they....
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| Dr Morgentaler, Angel |
Let’s start with
legendary abortion provider, Dr Henry Morgentaler. For decades, he
fought for Canadian females’ right to choose, and subsequently
brought an end to Canada’s antiquated abortion laws. Sadly, Dr
Morgentaler passed away just recently, aged 90. I guess one could
make a fairly reasonable argument that his desire to abort
(reportedly) tens of thousands of foetuses was merely a psychological
reaction to his losing both parents and his sister to the Nazis in
Poland. However, regardless of his modus operandi—psychological
revenge, female rights, sheer profit—it’s safe to say that he
provided more of a service than an obstruction, ultimately. So I
think it’s safe to say that Dr Morgentaler is snuggled safely in
Heaven—probably discussing the dilemma of omnipotence vs altruism
with the supreme deity.
 |
| Mike Duffy toasting his newfound political opportunities and the end of his journalistic integrity |
Speaking of the deceased,
former journalist Mike Duffy recently completed his slow occupational
suicide, which he began some four years ago when he accepted a
senatorial appointment from the Harper Government. It appears
Senator Duffy liked to claim expenses as a PEI resident while
actually residing in Ontario. When his expense claims—along with
those of three other senators—were being investigated by the Senate
Committee on Internal Economy, he applied for a PEI health card and
requested that the process be fast-tracked in time for the audit
deadline! The news media now hot on his heels, Duffy was soon hiding
from his old CTV buddies in places like hotel kitchens (where else?).
In light of all the negative press, Duffy soon agreed to pay back
the ill-gotten monies, but refused to accept responsibility for fraud
on the grounds that the Senate rules and forms were not clear. In
fact, he even expected the Prime Minister’s Office to pick up the
tab! Soon the PMO’s Chief of Staff, Nigel Wright, was writing a
personal cheque of $90,172 to cover ol’ Duff’s restitutionary
damages. Needless to say, this sort of action was completely against
the rules. Subsequently, Nigel Wright resigned as Chief of Staff,
and is being investigated by the Office of the Conflict of Interest
and Ethics Commissioner of Canada. As for dear ol’ Duffy, he
resigned from the Senate Conservative caucus and is being
investigated by the RCMP. (Maybe his son can help in the
investigations; he’s a Mountie, apparently.)
So what does all this
amount to? Fat Mikey is essentially dead and gone as a journalist
(and politician) before he even gives up the ghost! No journalistic
immortality or political legacy for Greedy-Guts Duffy! Yes, it’s
truly astonishing what some ignorant ol’ duffers will sacrifice in
order to save a few dollars. As a result, Hell’s barbecue pit is
being prepared for Duffy. Ol’ Blubber-Guts won’t be chowing down
this time around, however. This time, it’s his soul that’s the
main course—for eternity.
 |
| The demon who is waiting to devour Mike Duffy |
It may be a similar story
for Pamela Wallin, another journalist who has committed occupational
suicide after accepting a senatorial appointment and subsequently
claiming dubious travel expenses. As Rex Murphy has pointed out,
however, Ms Wallin did not go into denial-and-conspire mode á
la Mr Duffy. Instead, she owned up, paid back the fraud sum, and
subsequently resigned Senate Conservative caucus. Considering the
fact that Ms Wallin built a sizable portion of her journalistic
reputation on her time spent at the less Harper-friendly CBC, it is
possible that her legacy might not suffer like that of CTV stooge
Duffy. In other words, it looks like it’s purgatory for Wallin
upon her death.
 |
| Is this the face of a woman we can trust? |
The
soul of Toronto mayor Rob Ford, on the other hand, is being protected
from an eternity of hellfire, owing mainly to a combination of his
low-mindedness and the benefit of the doubt. The Lord takes pity on
the stupid and addicted, apparently. Actually, Ford appears to have
good intentions in many regards, and has exhibited some of the better
characteristics of old-fashioned, no-nonsense right-wing politicians.
But he also has a reputation for drug and alcohol excess; so when
word got out this spring that a video of him smoking crack cocaine
from a glass pipe had surfaced, and that the Gawker
website was attempting to raise the asking price of $200,000 in order
to obtain it and air it publicly, most of us who gave a damn weren’t
surprised at all.
Of
course Ford immediately went into denial mode, and was soon
dismissing the media (as usual) and ditching members of his staff
left, right and centre. The police, it turns out, had been
investigating the alleged video before the media had even broke the
story. As part of a raid on two rival drug gangs, they also searched
the home of Muhammad Khattak, one of the men standing with Ford
affront an alleged crackhouse in a photo supplied to Gawker
and the Toronto Star.
The alleged crackhouse, the story goes, is the residence of a friend
of Ford’s from their high-school days. As well, another man in the
photo, one Anthony Smith, was killed in a Toronto street-shooting
back in March. Lovely. On top of all this, the seller of the
alleged video has fallen silent, and the money raised by Gawker
has been subsequently donated to various charities.
 |
| Mayor Ford, hanging with his homies |
Did
Mayor Ford find enough money and brains to purchase the video
himself? Did the video even exist in the first place? Questions,
questions. Personally, I couldn’t care less how much crack Rob
Ford smokes in his spare time, provided he doesn’t come across as a
hypocrite by introducing policies to “crack down” on illicit
drugs. So, for now at least, Mayor Porky is safe from Hell’s
flames by virtue of his dumbness, police ineptness, and sheer luck.
 |
| Vic Toews: The face of pure evil |
Finally,
let us examine the case of former Justice and Public Safety minister,
Vic Toews, who resigned from politics earlier this month to spend
more time with his excuse for a family (pity his ‘family’, I’d
say!). I think this sack of shit is an open and shut case, frankly.
This is the ignorant, evil man who said that Canadians are either
with the Conservative Party or with the child pornographers (What’s
the difference?). This is the man who was in favour of internet
surveillance, reflecting a view that all Canadians are terrorists and
child abductors. This is the man who raised the age of consent from
14 to 16 while actually getting tougher on adolescent crime. (If
you’re old enough to get charged with a crime, then you’re also
old enough to vote, drink booze and screw.) As a result, Toews
should be a particular target of hatred for teenagers like myself.
It’s obvious this man deserves to spend eternity with a hot poker
up his rectum. Toews is now 60 years of age, so Satan is no doubt
preparing a deep hot pit for him, while the demons are drooling to
gnaw his legs off. In the meantime, I hope young people across
Canada terrorize him on a nightly basis, and his young son grows up
to despise him and disown him. This creep deserves to never have
another good night’s sleep, and then be sentenced to spend eternity
screaming out in pain from the very bowels of Hell. Good riddance to
evil swine!
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| The demon who awaits Vic Toews’s passing... |
Anyway, that’s my take
on such eternal matters and how they reflect on Canadian public
figures. I hope everyone’s enjoying the summer—everyone who
deserves to be, at least. Now, back to Sartre’s Being and
Nothingness....
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