Clearing The Air with Smokescreens: My Thoughts on the Conservatives’ Condemnation of Justin Trudeau’s Pot Admission

“Adore me, fellow Canadians! I am your Saviour, the Son of Pierre, and now devoted beatnik pot smoker!”
(Image stolen from The Star)

Now let me make it clear from the start: I am no major fan of Justin Trudeau. In fact, I consider him to be rather goofy and Americanized in all the wrong ways. Like his father before him, he tends to ride on a crest of charisma rather than an agenda of well-defined policies. (Of course, this can be said of the federal Liberals in general in recent decades.) True, either Trudeau would be slightly less embarrassing to have in office than a Stephen Harper or a Kim Campbell; but Dear saintly Justin has never struck me as anyone ideologically sound or sociopolitically astute.

Having said that, I consider his recent admission of illicit marijuana use to be as refreshingly bold and honest as what it is pragmatically foolish. So when the likes of Peter MacKay says that Trudeau is setting “a poor example for Canadians, particularly young ones”, I take it as an indirect insult. Here’s the comment I left in the wake of the story at CBC.ca:

“Peter McKay says that Justin Trudeau is setting a bad example for the youth of this country. That’s really rich coming from the new justice minister! Mr McKay’s party hasn’t been setting any sort of example at all for us young people of Canada—the Conservatives have been too busy attempting to jail and subjugate us with hideous new sex, drug, and internet downloading legislation. On top of that, we still can’t vote for the oppressive jerks who write the laws until we're 18!

“I know my history: Never has there been a government in Canada which has displayed such animosity towards the nation’s youth. I’ve turned 18 within the last year, and I can’t wait for the next federal election so I can help vote such bigoted scum out of office. I’m not a cannabis user, nor am I a particularly big fan of the Liberal Party, but give me Mr Trudeau any day over the anachronistic old duffers that currently rule over us.”

Wow!  Isn't he ‘grunge’!

Obviously, judging from the old photo that Rick Mercer posted to Twitter, Mr MacKay has not always been an exemplary pillar of sobriety and restraint for us youth of the nation. Of course, the argument has also been made—by former Reform/Alliance MP Stockwell Day, and others who regret their prolonged virginity and think the world is 15,000 years old—that Mr MacKay was doing nothing illegal by ‘bonging’ booze. That’s very true; but the same can be said of 18-year-old porn stars who ejaculate and urinate over each other’s mouth and face. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hiding hypocrisy behind a wall of convenient legalities.

Occasionally, a story of Conservative indiscretion will break like a bubble to the surface. Accounts of Rahim Jaffer and his cocaine and drunk-driving charges, Maxime Bernier’s open briefcase and dubious biker-girlfriend, and—in the halcyon days of Reform/Alliance goodness—Jack Ramsay’s sexual assault of a Cree teen while serving as an RCMP officer in the late ’60s should immediately come to mind. A veneer of white-picket fences, ankle-length skirts and Sunday roast-beef dinners is maintained, nevertheless. The transgressors are passed off as regrettable yet inexplicable anomalies—like flash floods and unruly sasquatches. Still, when it comes to matters of drugs, sex and corruption, one cannot help but surmise that there’s so much more going on behind the scenes, behind closed doors. Methinks the horny, drunken old white man doth protest too much.

So how do we expose these perceived/closet perpetrators? What I propose we do is offer monetary rewards in exchange for any tip that leads to a criminal investigation of a Conservative MP or any of their associates, past or present. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If Harper Conservatives like former MP Vic Toews can envision instigating quasi witch hunts with his proposed internet surveillance scheme, then we can do the same. I wonder if we could launch such a project through Kickstarter or a similar website. The desire to see Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack brought in close to two-hundred grand at Gawker, keep in mind. We could even raise money by selling gag t-shirts emblazoned with, “I’m a Proud Canadian—of course I’m with the Child Pornographers!”

To quote Public Enemy, let’s get it on.

Keep on toking, Mr Trudeau. Keep on dreaming about your 11-year-old daughters and granddaughters naked on a desert island, Harper Conservatives.  

To Emancipate or Eradicate: John Baird vs REAL Women of Canada

Don’t you just love the way the right-wing fundamentalist hypocrites are starting to shoot each other in the foot! Yes, the rattlesnakes are committing suicide again!

The latest embarrassment to the Christian Right comes in the form of comments made by members of “pro-family” lobby group REAL Women of Canada. It appears the Harper Conservatives are simply no longer conservative enough to please such fundamentalist Christian women who put them in power in the first place [read the CBC’s coverage of the story here]. In a recent press release REAL Women National Vice-President Gwendolyn Landolt stated:

“Just who does John Baird think he is, using taxpayers’ money to promote his own personal agenda and endeavouring to set standards of the laws of foreign countries? He argues that homosexual rights are a ‘Canadian value’, but this applies only to himself and his fellow activists and the left-wing elitists. These are not conservative values and that of grass roots Canadians, who after all, pay the bulk of the taxes.” [Read the entire rubbish rant right here]

Ms ’dolt’s comment comes in the wake of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird’s condemnation of recently enacted anti-homosexual laws in countries such as Russia and Uganda.

Apparently, it’s okay for these nosey ol’ bigots out in Alberta to criticize countries based on legalized prostitution, abortion, or a ‘low’ age of consent, but when one of their favourite right-wing politicians speaks out against gay-based persecution in Russia, Uganda, etc, they go ballistic, saying he’s interfering in the policies of a sovereign country. Find out their addresses, and then send these creepy bigots loads of feces and litres of urine! (Apparently, some good citizens of Canada has already made a practice of doing this! All I can say is, Bravo! It is highly commendable of you.)

If one would like to discover more about the antiquated policies of these national embarrassments, then please visit their official website.  You’ve been warned....

The only policy of these meddling old bats that comes close to being logical is their stand against no-fault divorce, Sadly, they castigate Canada’s commie divorce laws for all the wrong reasons and from a male perspective. (These REAL women often strike me as being peculiarly ‘closet transsexual’ in their outlook.) Personally, if some lazy, penniless bastard ever tried to take fifty percent of any sizable nest egg that I may have hard-earned or rightly inherited, he’d soon be pushing up nettles in a lovely gravel-pit graveyard.  As long as there is no-fault divorce, justifiable homicide will remain a reality.  Support your local hit-man.  

It is also worth noting that REAL Women of Canada have a history of alleged associations with white supremacist groups. According to the Anti-Racist Canada blog, one of the lobby group’s former directors, Rita Ann Hartmann, led the Ottawa-based Northern Foundation. Also, Hartmann’s husband was a leader of the Ku Klux Klan and Western Guard; the couple’s sons were members of the neo-Nazi Heritage Front. One can read about this in more detail at the aforementioned blog.

As for John Baird, I guess it’s also worth mentioning in this context that rumours have been circulating for some time now that the Conservative minister is secretly gay himself. Hmm... I smell scandal.  Yummy.

Screw Jian Ghomeshi and the CBC: The REAL 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever

I’ve been wondering how many of you out there must feel completely unsatisfied after enduring recent summer events like the St. John’s George Street Festival, with its overpriced parade of musical has-beens, like the perpetually hokey Barenaked Ladies. For those of you who have been wasting time and money lately on such second- and third-rate entertainment, I suggest you check out this new list I’ve constructed, compiling the 100 greatest Canadian music albums of all time. It should give you some ideas how you can better spend your time and money.

Of course, if you’re thinking that this list comes as a reaction to the CBC’s recently compiled 100 Greatest Canadian Albums Ever, then you’re paying attention. Frankly, I thought that list to be hopelessly generic and lacking in historical knowledge. (Can you take such compilers seriously when they don’t include a single album by Rough Trade—the homegrown urban band of the late ’70s and early ’80s?) It reeks of Jian Ghomeshi and other arrogant people who don’t deserve the opportunity to perform analingus on my 18-year-old bumhole.

About the list. Needless to say, one won’t find any politically safe, culturally stagnant tripe like the Rheostatics or Barenaked Ladies on my list. Nor will one find those bands and artists who set up camp in California, New York or London decades ago, and have seldom even mentioned their home country in their song lyrics from that time forward. Many of these artists rarely return to Canada—unless, of course, it’s to collect some lifetime achievement award or make disparaging remarks about Jim Morrison and men in general for the benefit of smug Jian Ghomeshi and his unbearable talk show on the CBC. Hence my exclusion of Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Pat Travers, The Lucy Show, etc. (And who in their right mind considered The Band a Canadian act in the first place? I mean, we all know that ‘The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down’ is all about Canada, right?) I have also excluded ‘big names’ like Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, who seem to have made the CBC’s list (as well as others) based merely on sales figures. (Don’t the CBC realize that the majority of the Earth’s population live in blissful ignorance?) I have reached back far enough to include early Canadian country-folk artists like Stu Davis and Wilf ‘Montana Slim’ Carter, and have compensated for the elitist snobbery of the CBC by embracing Canada’s great libertarian populist, Stompin’ Tom Connors. I’ve even included at least one ‘gag’ entry as a sort of subtle comment on those teenyboppers who like to re-envision themselves as serious artistes when more alternative styles of music come into vogue. The result is a list that accommodates the obvious while avoiding the generic:

1. Glen Gould, (J. S. Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1955)
2. The Oscar Peterson Trio, at the Stratford Shakespearean Festival (1956)
3. Moe Koffman, Cool and Hot Sax (1957)
4. The Oscar Peterson Trio, On the Town with the Oscar Peterson Trio (1958)
5. Stu Davis, Rope Around the Sun (1959)
6. Wilf Carter, Reminiscin’ with Montana Slim (1962)
7. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Night Train (1962)
8. Two Tones (Gordon Lightfoot and David Whelan), Two Tones at the Village Corner (1962)
9. Ian & Sylvia, Four Strong Winds (1963)
10. Wilf Carter, Nuggets of the Golden West (1964)
11. The Oscar Peterson Trio, Canadiana Suite (1964)
12. Buffy Sainte Marie, It’s My Way! (1964)
13. Glen Gould, (Oskar Morawetz, István Anhalt, Jacques Hétu) Canadian Music in the 20th Century (1967)
14. Leonard Cohen, Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967)
15. Gordon Lightfoot, Did She Mention My Name? (1968)
16. The Collectors, The Collectors (1968)
17. 3’s a Crowd, Christopher’s Movie Matinee (1968)
18. Anne Murray, What About Me (1968)
19. The Kensington Market, Avenue Road (1968)
20. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Sings Bud the Spud and Other Favourites (1969)
21. The Guess Who, Canned Wheat (1969)
22. The Poppy Family featuring Susan Jacks, Which Way You Goin’ Billy? (1969)
23. It’s All Meat, It’s All Meat (1970)
24. Great Speckled Bird, Great Speckled Bird (1970)
25. Buffy Saint Marie, Illuminations (1971)
26. Offenbach, Offenbach Soap Opera (1971)
27. Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Not Fragile (1973)
28. April Wine, Stand Back (1975)
29. Rush, Fly By Night (1975)
30. Mahogany Rush, IV (1976)
31. Stan Rogers, Fogarty’s Cove (1976)
32. Harmonium, L’Heptade (1976)
33. Rush, A Farewell to Kings (1977)
34. Max Webster, High Class in Borrowed Shoes (1977)
35. Goddo, Who Cares (1977)
36. Ironhorse, Ironhorse (1978)
37. Triumph, Just A Game (1978)
38. Minglewood Band, Minglewood Band (1979)
39. Teenage Head, Teenage Head (1979)
40. The Diodes, Released (1979)
41. Bruce Cockburn, Dancing in the Dragon’s Jaws (1979)
42. Da Slyme, Da Slyme (1980)
43. D.O.A., Something Better Change (1980)
44. Dutch Mason Blues Band, Special Brew (1980)
45. Rough Trade, Avoid Freud (1980)
46. The Canadian Brass, The Village Band (1981)
47. Rough Trade, (for those who think young) (1981)
48. Saga, Worlds Apart (1981)
49. Rush, Moving Pictures (1981)
50. Streetheart, Streetheart (1982)
51. Rush, Signals (1982)
52. Men Without Hats, Rhythm of Youth (1982)
53. Glen Gould, (Bach) The Goldberg Variations (1982)
54. Figgy Duff, After the Tempest (1983)
55. David Wilcox, My Eyes Keep Me in Trouble (1983)
56. The Parachute Club, The Parachute Club (1983)
57. Anvil, Forged in Fire (1983)
58. 20th Century Rebels, Rebelution (1983)
59. Leonard Cohen, Various Positions (1984)
60. Bruce Cockburn, Stealing Fire (1984)
61. Asexuals, Be What You Want (1985)
62. Dayglo Abortions, Feed US.A Fetus America (1986)
63. 54-40, 54-40 (1986)
64. The Shuffle Demons, Streetniks (1986)
65. Chalk Circle, Mending Wall (1987)
66. Northern Pikes, Big Blue Sky (1987)
67. Voivod, Killing Technology (1987)
68. Leonard Cohen, I’m Your Man (1988)
69. Plasterscene Replicas, Glow (1988)
70. Sons of Freedom, Sons of Freedom (1988)
71. Skinny Puppy, VIVIsect VI (1988)
72. Art Bergmann, Crawl With Me (1988)
73. NoMeansNo, Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed (1988)
74. Stompin’ Tom Connors, Fiddle and Song (1988)
75. The Pursuit of Happiness, Love Junk (1988)
76. The Cowboy Junkies, The Trinity Session (1989)
77. Daniel Lanois, Acadie (1989)
78. K. D. Lang and The Reclines, Absolute Torch and Twang (1989)
79. Maestro Fresh-Wes, Symphony in Effect (1989)
80. The Grapes of Wrath, Now and Again (1989)
81. Skydiggers, Skydiggers (1990)
82. Alanis, Alanis (1991)
83. Dream Warriors, And Now the Legacy begins (1991)
84. Sloan, Smeared (1992)
85. The Tragically Hip, Fully Completely (1992)
86. Bachman, Any Road (1992)
87. Doughboys, Crush (1993)
88. Eric’s Trip, Love Tara (1993)
89. Vic Vogel, Piano Solo (1993)
90. Sloan, Twice Removed (1994)
91. Glueleg, Heroic Doses (1994)
92. Jale, Dreamcake (1994)
93. Lenny Breau / Dave Young, Live at Bourbon St. (1995)
94. The Hardship Post, Somebody Spoke (1995)
95. Eric’s Trip, Purple Blue (1996)
96. The Tragically Hip, Trouble at the Henhouse (1996)
97. The Monoxides, Galaxy of Stooges (1997)
98. Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing (1997)
99. Sloan, Never Hear the End of It (2006)
100. Danko Jones, Rock and Roll is Black and Blue (2012)

So there you have it. The real 100 greatest Canadian albums ever—as compiled by a young woman still in her teens. Please tell me what you think. I love it when people share their piss and vinegar, er, opinions with me—especially when they’re deliciously ill-informed.   Hmm... yummy.